Jul. 2nd, 2017

This weekend hasn't been a great one for my mental state. Going in, I was already feeling generally overwhelmed and inadequate in life. Then I had trouble sleeping, and Othercat is off visiting one of their other partners, so I'm home by myself for the entire four-day (for me) weekend.

It's been rough.

That said, today has been much better than I was expecting. It got off to a slow start (I woke up at 10 and finally rolled out of bed at like, 11?), but I went for a nice walk earlier, and I've been knocking some important things off my list. It's nice to feel for once like I'm doing a good job at something.

That "something" is performance reviews for all my folks at work. Yeah, working a whole bunch on the weekend sucks, but in this particular case, I feel like it's worth it. I'm hoping that if I get as many of them done as possible, it will significantly reduce my stress over the next couple weeks.

I rarely have time when I'm in the office to sit, focus, and relax/de-stress enough to get big things done. So even though I'm burning weekend time to do it (at least some of which I'll be able to get back later), it feels like a worthwhile trade-off for my emotional health. I can also feel good about the fact that I'm giving each of my folks the undivided attention necessary to give them proper feedback (rather than scrawling "Good Job!" across the top of all their forms with a purple whiteboard marker).

I'm still not good enough, and I probably need to get back into therapy for that. But today feels like a small victory, and I believe there will be more small victories to come.

I hope, if I string enough small victories together, they will gradually turn into a big one.

— Des

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Des

August 2018

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